There were a few positives for the season.  The new guys are not half bad as the poll which no one took states.  I’m just glad they were actually half decent guys, it would have helped if they were as good as Frank Thomas, but we’ll work on that. Um, other positive things about the season.  Not much, I got a new jersey with the most perfect number ever created, but it did not help my batting, or my fielding. 

            So, about our last game. We were battling the other worst team in the league. We were confident we could beat them and remain out of the cellar.  However, our confidence evaporated once the game started. Jerry Montague had the scowl  which should be patented and it was like he could see into the future and he knew we were going to lose. That away to be negative “Jaaawwwrrry” (that is what his cheering stand calls him).  I never thought we would be 10 run ruled after the 4th inning against the second worst team in the league. We haven’t even played 7 innings in oh I don’t know 10 weeks.  I know what you’re thinking, “we’ve only played 9 weeks how is that possible?” I don’t know kid I don’t know.  I don’t even want to discuss the game because it was just bad. They had a ginger chimpanzee playing right field and he played better than our entire team did. 

Things I learned this year:  We suck. See you guys next year. I hope you learn to play.  Oh last revelation. The anonymous writer for this column is…. Think about it, who have I never made fun of, or even talked about? yes that’s right I’m Kevin Tiller. Bye guys.

Now, the seriousness of the week. I am going to write off tuesday night because whatever we lost we always lose. The night that we need to look in on ourselves and realize we ARE adults was thursday night. Does anybody remember in the eighth grade when your home room teacher wasn’t in  because she had a hangover and probably couldnt find her underwear at her boyfriend’s apartment so she called in sick? So the principal struggled to find a substitute teacher and for like 20 minutes there was no teacher? It turned into the lord of the flies instantly. The cool kids started immediately pulled their desks into a circle and started making fun of the fat kid in the corner who was eating a hostess twinkie. The fat could hear them but kept telling himself the twinkie didn’t laugh at him.  Then the girls who liked the cool boys started becoming louder and louder laughing and pointing at the fat kid calling him names like “porkrind” and “don’t make him angry he’ll sit on you” all the while laughing with a shrieking cry. Finally that bores the cool kids so one pulls up his straw which all cool kids have at all times and delivers a spit ball directly into the glasses of the fat kid.  He wipes it off at first and then four spitballs coming flying at him striking his delicate pimply face.  He doesn’t cry and acts like the cool kids don’t exist. This angers the cool kids and finally two of the boys stand up trying to impress the girls and walk over to the fat kid’s desk and poke him in the face stating, “stop hitting yourself stop hitting yourself.” Finally they break the fat kid and a tear forms in the corner of his eye. This fuels the cool kids and they begin to slap him and call him more names. Until the fat kid gets hulk smash and grabs the first cool kid by the hair smashes his head into the desk breaking his nose. The other two kids stand paralyzed while he punches one in the nose and stabs the other in the eye with a pencil. Except in our team’s case the fat kid gets hulk smash and he does not beat up the cool kids but instead gets his own butt kicked repeatedly. All this happened because there was no teacher in class. Thea teacher in our case is Tim Rollins and Kevin Kelshaw. Our team was the class with no teacher.

What could have happened you ask? Well, it started with Keith not showing up.  Do I think tonight would have happened if Keith had shown up? I don’t know but he’s the glue that bonds the composite bat together. Do I blame all of tonight on Keith? a little bit but there were other contributing causes we need to address.  However, people started out angry Keith wasn’t there. I assume they felt he let them down or something like that.  Anyhoo, after that there was some disagreement on whether to use a short outfielder to stop the dink hits.  One side said “let’s try it! What have we got to lose?” very enthusiastically. The other half disagreed, “no, no I don’t want to cover that much ground, do I play the line or play the gap?” I don’t know but play like it’s baseball. So, I think you figure out where this went, yes that’s right they hit everything off the fence and over the fence and through the gaps. So it didn’t matter where the fourth outfielder was playing because when the other team was hitting it 300 feet a guy playing at 150 feet doesn’t really matter. It was the argument over the fact “we might lose if we try something new” that was so disheartening. Do we really think we can win anymore? I think we would still have the same results if we all played catcher and just had George out there to shag the balls the other team hits.  Why are we so worried about losing? We lose every week, so why are so afraid of trying something new? I think we should all play a position on tuesday we have never played before.  I mean why not, maybe it will fun and exciting for me to play second base and Kevin playing third base or Richard playing first base and kevin moon playing shortstop. I’m just saying.

I digress, back to where our team degraded into feces throwing monkeys. Right, so we were losing: AGAIN. I don’t know why this loss was going to be so bad compared to other 15 losses we’ve had this season. Has only been 15? It feels like 18 losses.  But, tonight was the breaking point and after being humiliated by an opposing team which did not help by being the cool kids and laughing at us during the game. “That bat is hot!” after hitting a line drive off the fence was one insult.  I wish I had an illegal bat too.  So, we were losing and George and BFF Richard were fighting, but no one really paid attention because noone really cares about either of the two, but it did make the team look bad. Those two made up when George yelled out “Hey, Richard I’m Sorry.” While he was out in left center field. “Hey Richard did you hear me? I said I WAS SORRY!!!” he called out again, while Richard’s face grew red and he tried to ignore him. 

Then we came to bat and I don’t know if Justin just got diagnosed with Diabetes or something tragic but after he grounded out to the pitcher suddenly grabbed his bat and with a growing nerd rage look in his eyes he flung the bat ferociously at the dugout. The bat smashed at the handle and splinters flew in all directions. In the major leagues and when your wife won’t do the dishes this type of behavior is acceptable, but when the projectile is within 3 inches of your own teammate who was standing on deck trying to get a quick nap before he went back to the bench because well let’s face it being the DH is tough work.  However, when the bat nearly hits your star DH it gets you ejected.  The real let down of the night was curtis didn’t quite know what to do. It was the perfect opportunity for a rousing “YERRR OUT OF HERE” while throwing his hand towards the parking lot. but curtis just shrugged his shoulders and said “he’s out of here guys do something with him.”  Justin not to be outdone barged into the dugout and promptly threw his bat in the trash. It bounced out the trash and nearly hit two other teammates.  So, yeah, Justin got ejected. I have never had a problem with Justin and this took me by surprise so with that being said, I wish him the best in his next venture.

Now, the point of this graphic depiction of a season changing night. First thing guys, our team sucks, we lose, we always lose and until we become fundamentally better, we will continue to lose. Second, because no one is getting a minor league contract I can assume none of us is going to become suddenly great next tuesday thanks to the Ken Griffey JR, hitting VHS for $19.95 cash or money order. Because of this, we need to start having fun when we play. Drop the serious attitude that we can somehow stay in the game and we need to joke with eachother like make cat calls when we are hitting and ask Mickey how his wife and my kids are doing. Fun harmless things. We do not however need to become angry when Richard misses a grounder or complain openly that Justus needs to learn how to be a man when he grounds out to second base for the third straight time.  These things are mean and it is how teams destroy eacher. Happy attitude with no negativity and we can at least keep our decent players from leaving for other teams.  If we don’t we’ll probably forfeit our last game because 58% of our team quit. Well That’s my after school special moment.

            Hey Anonymous Writer,

I am a thirty something white male who is a rookie on a softball team and I’m trying to learn the nuances of my new team. How do I fit in with the guys and make them like me?  I desperately need a sense of belonging. Any advice I will follow.

            Thanks,

            Lonely in Treaty

Well Lonely, I understand your issues. I too was once a rookie for Crypt Keepers Softball, but back then we were called Tibb’s Tees. I did not get invited to play for CK until they were short people and the trained chimpanzee was a no show so they called me. Luckily I was pretty decent so I immediately became a pinch hitter even when they only had 8 players on the team that night, and eventually worked my way up to batting champ. I’m assuming you’re not any good since you couldn’t amaze them with your play this year. People like winners Lonely ad if you are a good player they will find a way to like you. Look at Kevin Moon, nobody really likes the guy and the only thing I’ve ever heard him say is “I’m Colombian.” But he is a good player so people laugh when he says that and people say “congratulations” when he makes a play. I’m going to tell you what I told Keith the other day who asked the same question and who coincidently said he was going to write in about it as well.  I told him “listen Keith softball is tough, it’s not for everyone, some people have to play Water Polo.” Mickey Butler interrupted me and said, “Hey, water polo is a serious sport. It takes a lot of skill and hand eye coordination.” I ignored him and continued. “Sometimes you might need to think if nobody likes me and I don’t like being here, and I can’t catch or hit, do I really need to be here?” Keith stared at me a while I think he was letting it all sink in. I think I encouraged him and I hope I encouraged you.

Well Kevin Roberts just told me our fielding was pretty decent on Tuesday and we kept the game close for the first few innings, but the fourth and fifth innings we (and by we I mean Richard) walked a bunch people and they scored a lot. We on the flipside did not score as much so we lost. Great reporting from the field Kevin. I’ll field another question.

Hey A.Dub!

            How do I make water polo a more legitimate sport? People need to see the concentration and ability to tread water for hours at a time and the skill that requires. I think if more people played water polo they would be better softball players. Or at least be able to not attract women so they could have more time to practice softball.

            Wet and frustrated in Hastings

P.S. I love your articles!

Um, I don’t know how to make water polo a legitimate sport, champ considering it’s a sport for rich elitist ivy league people who say things like “Dahhling, my Faberge egg has lost 3% of its net value when transferred to a double reticulating compound savings loan. Is this the time to invest in Liquid Amethyst?” But I will tell you this how ever you train to become a better softball player do it, because Lord knows we need help.

Kevin just got done remembering that we still play Big Belly Burgers one more time and we need to win that game. Good job looking at the schedule.    Well, I think he is done informing of the game, so unless Graham Harris wants to do a phone interview I think this week is done.

I remembered tuesday clearly. Tuesday is the day I wish I could go back in time and save my night by not going to the field to begin with.   I want to change that day and March 12 1999 around 2: 25pm when I asked Sarah Stillman out to the movies in the ninth grade. She was the most gorgeous girl in school, and I think she was a cheerleader. I can’t really remember, but I asked her out at the end of math class which was the last class of the day and while asking her my voice cracked during the “So I hear that Gladiator movie is pretty good.” part of my suave speech. She laughed and during her laughing she noticed my pants were unzipped with my t-shirt sticking through the open zipper. She laughed harder and then her boyfriend came up, gave her a hug and then they both stood there laughing about me. At that exact moment my mom showed up to telll me she was waiting for me out at the parking lot.  Yeah, that day sucked. Sarah later got hooked on Meth and I think services guys in the back of a wal-mart parking lot to pay for her addiction.  I believe if I could change that day We would be dramatically dating like they do in Grey’s Anatomy, I would be head of the FBI right now and she would be a brilliant doctor who finds cures for un heard of diseases on a weekly basis. 

This goes with the fact if I had just not shown up on Tuesday we might have won.  I did slightly break out of my slump, but Matt fell into a mini slump and when the team’s best hitter is in a minislump the rest of the team feeds of that and puts up a whopping 5 runs in 5 innings. That’s not bad, but when the other team is scoring 7 runs an inning it’s a race you’ll never win.  So had I not shown up, we might have actually hit, we might have actually fielded, or we would have forfeited since we only had 10 players. The latter is probably true but man it was frustrating losing that badly especially at a 9pm game when no one cares. Oh one thing I did learn about that game. An umpire, I won’t mention names because I don’t want us to get kicked out of th eleague, but there is an umpire (i’ll only use every other letter) who I’ll call RLH (the letters I left out were A and P)  is the worst umpire I have ever come across. The guy didn’t know what inning it was, how many outs there were or what the score was. He also participated in his own controversy by giving a warning to a member of the other team for leaving early in the SIXTH WEEK OF THE SEASON when Justus was thrown out for the same thing WITHOUT warning in the FIRST inning of the SECOND game of the season. Umpires don’t have much to do but keeping score, calling outs, and being fair are three pretty important parts of the game, and when you can’t do any of those something is wrong.  I don’t want to pick on him to much because I think he is  only playing with 37 cards in his deck but really RLH? really? There was also a little anecdote which made the night a little amusing. In the game before ours the right fielder for a team made 3 errors in one inning causing 8 runs to score and with it being the 6th inning essentially lost the game for the team. On his way back in to the dugout after the inning was finally over, he called his teammates and said “guys my bad I think I messed up. My bad.” Rich was sitting next to me and heard this as well as I . We looked at each other and needless to say the heckling began “Really? Your bad dude? Your team hates you!” Rich called out. Not to be outdone I heckled with “I wouldn’t be broadcasting that I think you’re team already knows you suck!”  Writing it down it doesn’t sound that funny, but at the time Rich and I laughed it up.

The second game of the week we arrived at the field laughing, joking, and just plain loose. We weren’t uptight and angry about not playing well. We actually looked like a team who could handle a game without letting the importance of the game swallow us up. That was before Kevin Moon struck out twice and we made 6 errors in the field. We only lost by 3 runs to one of the top 3 teams on Thursday so I felt it like that was best we could do on Thursday so I’m ok with not trying to find a way to go back in time to change thursday.  That and we actually had fun. And by fun I mean I bonded with Keith tonight. I know everyone thinks he is a pompous jerk but I found him to be amiable and quite likeable. He was wearing soccer cleats and knew he was wearing soccer cleats, and he intentionaly bought soccer cleats for the purpose of Softball but other than that I think you guys should give him a chance and not steal his phone when he’s not looking and then change all the numbers the associated contacts. I remember changing it so when he called his mom he was actually calling a 1900 sex line.  So stop doing that guys seriously give him a chance.  I think the team had some chemistry this game, I hope it continues, that and Richard’s amazing right field play.  He actually looked comfortable and I hate to say it, but good out there. 

Take the poll please:

So to answer Jerry Montague’s question, the origin of the first lyric to Eminem’s Without Me hit single comes from an old Appalachian folk tune and popularized by the 1981 rap song “Buffalo Gals” in which the chorus is “two buffalo gals go round the outside, round the outside” in Eminem’s version he parodies this singing “two trailer park girls go round the outside”.  Great question Mr. Montague, keep up the good work. Remember readers, if you have a question send it in and I’ll answer them for you whether it’s about how fix your throwing shoulder to keep from throwing over the first baseman’s head, or how to keep your wife from leaving you. I can do a private session with her to understand her problem if need be. No matter what your question, I can help. 

In regards to the last week of softball games, our best night was Tuesday night when our game got rained out. I say this because we got beat 22-6 the first game of the doubleheader on Thursday, and the makeup game from Tuesday night was a little better we only got beat 20-12, or something like that.  The new guy Keith was a no show, so Graham Harris took his spot at third base for the night.  Graham Harris made it a point to tell me he was actually at the game this time because he wasn’t at the last game and I said he was. I could have sworn he was at the last game, because we had a discussion over the phone about it.

Graham: Hey, great article. I wish I could be as cool as you.

Me (blushing): Thanks Graham.

Graham: Yeah hey, what’s this about you touching my knee and consoling me last game?

Me: Oh yeah, uh, I didn’t mean to make it so sensual but you know, it happened.

Graham: No, I don’t know, I wasn’t there, Moron.

Me: Yes, you were, I remember consoling you like it was yesterday.

Graham: No you didn’t. You might have dreamed it, but it didn’t happen.

Me: Yeah, You have been in a lot of my…

Graham: Stop right there. Just stop.

Me: What? Is this weirding you out Graham? I thought we were at that point in our relation-

Graham: Goodbye

He hung up on me at that point. I shook my head and shrugged. He’ll be back He always comes crawling back. 

Editor’s note: This publication does not condone nor forbid any relationship status between authors and readers either friendly or otherwise. It should also be noted there is no record of Graham Harris being at the game the author is describing. This only means he is not in the scorecard and was not seen by witnesses. This does not mean he did not play due to coach’s decision or did not speak to anyone at the game. Therefore at this time the editorial staff of this publication that we cannot determine if Mr. Harris was at the game.

The first game on Thursday was a cacophony of arduous hits and homeruns perpetrated by the opposing team.  The game also featured some cerebral at bats which include two innings constituent of five pitches. Unfortunately, our homerun hitter, Brian was obligated to pitch both games. Well, Babe Ruth and more recently the stellar and more famous Rick Ankiel went from pitching to saliently hitting homeruns, but no one I can remember has gone from hitting homeruns to pitching exuberantly well. Brian Malone will not be the first person to achieve this feat because well he didn’t pitch so spectacularly.  This was his 40^th birthday so congrats to Brian for not dying before now and continuing to enthrall us all with his  fateful legacy.  I wish I could say the same for our team but we got creamed the first game. It wasn’t even fun watching them trot home after a guy hits a triple and we throw the ball over the first baseman’s head for no apparent reason. The player was standing on third. Usually I can find a little humor in the levity of the situation and give a smirk to the crowd, but witnessing a debacle like this only makes me wish I could switch places with Anonymous Player who by the way is enjoying a weekend with my Stats class chick. Speaking of which I just got a text message from none other than Graham Harris. Ha, I knew he would come back and he did. I’m not lying, he literally texted me right now. It reads “where is the weekly brief?” and we all know what weekly brief is code for in Graham’s world.

The second game actually felt like a game. Brian looked rejuvenated and appeared to have a healthy glow on his skin when he pitched. George however, did not have a healthy glow as he stormed in the dugout of the second game extremely angry. Everyone tried to soothe him down but his rage continued, “Nothing’s wrong guys!” he shouted with a wild look in his eye. At this point I was currently mired in my own 0-7 hitting slump, so I understood where he was coming from but I felt it was a little inappropriate to tell the two children in the dugout that recreational league softball at treat park is where dreams go to die, all while shaking them by their petite shoulders.  This game had a chance to end after three innings and I had a chance to go home and still get 7 ½ hours of sleep, but instead we played the full seven and still lost. I don’t know which is worse getting your heart ripped out because you think you have a chance or getting beat so bad the opposing players start bringing out their kids to play against you.

So we learned a lot as a team this week, we learned how to have a 3-9 record. We learned we are not in A league. We also learned Contra II for Nintendo is not a better game than Linx the Legend of Zelda.

Week 5

Dear Diary: 6:45pm. Today looks to be a promising day. The sun is setting in the west with an orange glow causing the softball fields at treaty park to have a hazy mars like planet effect.  My stomach is full of bad Chinese food and I’m ready to get my soul crushed Crypt Keepers style. Hopefully it will be quick and painless.

7:06pm: Justus just grounded out to Lt. Stewart. It looks like he is thinking to hard. To make matters worse for the guy, the rest of the team is actually showing up and hitting.  We put up a whole 2 runs in the first inning. Go team!

7:18pm: OMG!! like we have 13 runs and it’s only the 3rd inning.  I wonder if that cute chick in my stats class will ask me out. Do you think I have a chance diary? Don’t be such a negative nancy diary.  We lead 13-2 at this point. I feel excuberated, and nostalgic for the good old days when our team could hit.  The exuberance of Matt and the other new guy who I forgot his name because he’s a new guy and I don’t need to know new guys names, are critical to our success.  I should insert a flashback at this point to 7:01pm: Matt comes running up to dugout, “Am I late guys?” “No you’re hitting first.” Brian shouts back with no real reason to be shouting beause Matt is standing right next to him. Matt looks at him strangely and picks up a bat walking quickly out to the batter’s box with the orange glow of the setting sun glistening off the number 7 on the back of his jersey. Matt swings at the first pitch and sends a rocket back up the middle for a base hit. I watch Justus in the ondeck circle jaw drop in astonishment. He knows his time as hitting champion is over.

7:28pm: Brian hits a homerun, and wildly trots to first base, arms flailing and looking for a ball to hide under shirt. No one congratulates him but only mumble “good one, you suck.”

7:32pm: I forgot Richard was pitching and I watch a player steal home unabated to make it 13-4 and end any chance we have ten run rule the other team. Grahem asked me what ten run rule meant. I explained to him it is when a team is outscoring by the other team by more than ten runs after 4 innings. He looked quizzically at me and told me he never heard of our team doing it. He thought it only counted for the teams playing against us.  I smiled at him and patted his knee while trying to think of something comforting to say. I couldn’t.

7:38pm: You’re right diary the cute chick from stats class is too good for me, she called me back and said she had to cancel our date because “anonymous player” is in the hospital and well she likes guys with big… hearts and any man who can survive a suicide attempt must have a big heart and then she told me big heart was a metaphor for a big (and then the phone cut out leaving me wondering what the metaphor was for. It will haunt my dreams forever). I stared at my phone in disbelief, but out of the corner of my eye I saw Big Belly burgers score their eleventh run of the inning making the score 13-13. Yes we had not scored since the second inning. I mostly blame this on Kevin Roberts for no reason other than he’s Kevin Roberts and things should be blamed on him.

7:46pm: Oh diary my world is falling apart. They lead 15-13, and I feel like my heart was ripped out by a wholly mammoth. I want to cry but I can’t in front of all these men. So I wipe the tear from the corner of my eye and hope our bats can come alive again.

7:54pm: they don’t. We scored 1 run in the top of the sevent and lose 15-14 in the most disheartening loss I think our team has ever had.  Somewhere God is laughing at us. I shake my fist at the sky in response. A bolt of lighting comes down and strikes Kevin Moon who was standing next to me. I laugh at God’s horrible aim. 

7:56pm: Despite having reread the score 11 times hoping for it to change our record falls to 3-6. We suck, like a hoover vacuum.

Me: Hey, do you mind If interview you?

Anonymous Player (with head down holding his head in his hands): What? Is this about the goat incident you had?

Me: No, it’s about the game we are losing tonight.

A.P:  Yeah, that’s fine, we’re having a pretty crappy night.

Me: I see that. What do you think is the problem?

A.P:  Dunno, bad hitting I guess. A lot of our guys are slumping. Our “MVP” (with air quotes) is like 1 for his last 14 or something.  I haven’t gotten a hit all season I don’t think.  Tough to win when you go 3 up 3 down every inning. Stupid trying to hit homeruns.

Me: The reigning batting champ is batting .500 that’s a positive.  

A.P.(looking at me like I’m stupid): He’s only had two at bats.

Me (as I watch another error be committed in the field): Good lord, it’s a like a circus and we are all the clowns.  So anything positive from the night?

A.P. (shrugs): It can’t get to much worse can it?

Me:  Isn’t your wife cheating on you for the cable repair man? The fat one with back hair?

A.P.: Yeah I guess it can get worse.

Me (faking a smile and slapping him on the back): Cheer up, We’ll win next game.

A.P.: I hope so, winning softball games are the only thing keeping me from hanging from a rope. If we lose again… (drags finger across throat).

I just walked away this point, because I do not allow negative emotions in my circle of self-esteem.   In all reality the loss came because of the crypt keeper curse. That is to have one disastrous inning. That inning came in the fifth, coincidentally the last inning we played.   What are some focus points to win next game? Well if Justus would wear a team jersey that would help him not look a monkey helped him dress for the game.  It would also build team camaraderie as they would look like a team, and hopefully play like a team. Will that happen? Probably not.  On a side note, when are the jerseys getting in?

Gh: Hey sorry you missed the game.

Me:  yeah well someone has to make some money

Gh: What? I can’t hear you.

Me:  Hold on how about now.

Gh: (shouting) You did what with a goat?

Me: (sighing) why you gotta bring that up? No, can you hear me better? I’m near a road now.

Gh: oh. Yeah. Anyway what do you want to know?

Me: I want to know what happened at the game.

Gh: Oh. Yeah. It was great man, we won 13-0

Me: How’d that happen? We never win.

Gh:  well I’ll get pretty detailed. They hit it where we were, and we hit it where they weren’t.

Me: (staring at my phone in disgust) really? That’s it?

Gh: yeah great huh? Oh one thing, that George kid is horrible.  

Me: Well that figures, he is only the reigning MVP.  I always thought he was sandbagging it.

Gh: I know right? Who else can we gossip about?

Me: I gotta go, 13-0 and Tim Burress needs to win the cy young right?

Gh: Yeah whatever.

I have not checked the interview for factual basis, but I like 24 hour news networks will report it as if God himself spoke it.  Here is what happened in a factual reenactment. In the first inning we put up eight runs thanks to timely hitting from the 4-7 hitters. Brian Malone was thrown out at second trying attempting to hide the ball under his shirt and steal third at the same time. Needless to say it did not work.  Apparently we didn’t score until the fifth inning when David Blaine magically appeared and “created” 5 more runs.  I think we did a pretty good job especially for our opening game. The rest of the write ups will be better when I’m actually there. On a side note, before Larry gets all worried, I’m not Durden, even though I know it says Durden posted, he didn’t. Remember kids, Steroids are bad, look at Alex Rodriguez. He’s only the highest paid player in sports.  Steroids can only buy so many gold plated toilets before you have to making it on your own.